If It's Not Helpful, Then It's Not Helpful

Strong feelings are a clue that the habits of our emotional response and the habits of our organizational or interpersonal systems are being challenged. 

Feeling out of control of a situation can take us to the sideshow; where we blame others, become fascinated with our victimization and give up responsibility for our actions. 

I find that having a personal stance on a post-it or somewhere else that I can see each day can really help support my intentions around how I deal with the stress of difficult people, transition, confusion and workload. I've had personal stance for years that goes, “If it’s not helpful, then it’s not helpful. “ Whenever I'm feeling burdened or upset, I have a choice about how to respond. 

If I think my response will be helpful, that's great! And if it's not helpful, then it's not helpful. I should choose another response.

 It's important to remember that helping me feel better or justified in my position or frustration does not necessarily meet the criteria for "helpful" to the organization or situation. Better to save processes that help you feel better for someone who has agreed to the role of making you feel better. Being able to access my stance helps keep me committed to productive conversations and helps avoid the sideshow. And yes, I definitely slip up....I'm human.

Give the Care You'd Like to Get: Put Down Your iPhone

Consider the practice of giving the care you’d like to get as open invitation to give your full attention to somebody else. It can be a powerful motivator in any team. Multi-tasking behavior, especially checking and writing emails during other conversations sends a powerful message that "being here and listening to you isn't my priority." 

So stop that.

Being more “available” was one of my goals this year. Since I started being intentional about it, I’ve found that giving my full attention feels easier than I thought it would. I also remind myself in to allow others to fully express themselves without interruption and try to respond in a way that communicates that I've heard what they have said.  You can learn a lot more about how people think and feel by just focusing your attention and allowing them to share the full extent of their perceptions.  Allowing people with whom you might disagree to openly share their opinions is also critical to building healthy teams. If you give the care you'd like get and the attention you'd like to receive, you'll develop better understanding of what motivates people. People will sense that you are really listening and trust that, because deeper listening is a habit of yours, you typically have adequate information to make sound judgments.