Managing Emotional Reactivity

We know that when someone is reckless in their emotional reactivity, it damages relationships and has a huge impact on the organizational system.  Recovering from the impact of emotionally reactive comments can take months and sometimes even years.  

In trying to manage my own reactivity, I’ve noticed how easy it is to slip into when someone is “jokingly” name-calling either myself or a colleague or finding people to blame for a circumstance. 

This kind of behavior happens everywhere.  

Managing emotional reactivity in favor of empathetic responses, one can model the leadership and respect for others that makes for happier organizational systems.  Earlier last week I was on a conference call with a group of peers in a volunteer organization that I help lead. Another leader of the group on the call felt that our non-leader volunteers (on the call) had not made adequate progress on an initiative and she expressed frustration at the other members of the group on the call saying, “So what you are telling me is that no one has done anything?… I’m sorry you guys are wasting my time.”  I could feel an anger reaction coming on. I saw her comments as disrespectful and not aligned with how I believe we should treat volunteers of our organization. 

I tried to manage my emotions on the call and I called her separately on her cell phone as soon as the call was over.  She continued to express frustration with the pace of our work.  I said, “You seemed very frustrated on the call.” Which she agreed. I said “When you told the other members of the group that they were wasting your time- it sounded shaming. And it’s not helpful.” ( My emotional reaction went something more like “Are you out of your #$&#% mind? Who do you think you are!!??”) I do think the message was better-received while managing the emotional reaction. She agreed that she was feeling overwhelmed and would never want to behave in a way that was counter-productive. On her own she eventually decided to write an apology to the members of the group.

Leadership and Self Deception

We all contribute to some dysfunction in the systems in which we operate. 

A few weeks ago I ran into a colleague at a nonprofit who offered an insight that I also found very valuable. She said “Behind every dysfunction there’s something about it that works for people. If that weren’t the case, it wouldn’t have the word ‘function’ in it.”

I can only access a few examples of how I’ve deceived my intentions for my own leadership. Others probably have a more robust picture of all of my blind spots.  A few blind spots and historical examples of self-deciet have stayed with me as I think about staff development, efficiencies and morale across other organizations I work in or am a part of.

In my previous job I felt strongly that I should stay connected to all my colleagues. For five years I worked with a group that resided in what we called “Cube City.” It was the main cluster of cubicles in the office. When I got an office (that I sheepishly accepted) I started to betray my intentions to stay connected by not stopping by to say “hello” each morning. Once in that habit, I actually started to tell myself that they probably resented me for having an office anyway. 

Once I had accepted that idea as reality, I avoided them and felt ashamed for what was being afforded to me. In that “box,” I believed I was better off not staying connected. Perhaps my co-workers didn’t like me. Perhaps I didn’t like them! I resolved that it didn’t matter because I had an opportunity to reinforce my identity as an independent kind of worker who minds her own business.

I’ve come to understand that my “in the box” practices have included: sending emails to deliver hard news when I could be making a phone call, not sharing what I’m worried about, avoiding people I need to learn from, and the typical blaming for behavior that I see as consistently below standard - according to my standards.

I also learned that one of my strengths, my ability to use humor, can also be a signifier of stress or tension that I am experiencing. 

I’ve learned that the right questions are the key to any real productive intervention - and I’m predisposed to pose questions that I think I know the answer to. 

I also believe that when we are mistreating ourselves, we are often mistreating others out of spite. And so I believe that honoring one’s intentions and avoiding self-betrayal includes honoring one’s own needs and creativity as a whole person. 

There’s something about creative processes as what they stir in people that is worth exploring. Through my work I’m learning to re-nurture an affinity for art and my belief in its transformative qualities is influencing my approach to organizational development and meeting design.